At the Crossroads with no way to go.....

Wow, you wake up one morning and there it is life has passed you by. You have worked your butt off raising your kids making sure you be a great mother, an awesome sister, a grateful daughter, a caring friend (and getting messed over and lied on in the end, an ambitious entrepreneur and a thankful woman of God (if nothing else). But for some reason nothing has gone right in the past few years, what happen, what did you do that was so wrong? These are questions I ask myself all the time now. In the past year my life has changed and took me on a new world -wind.
For some reason lately I’ve been hearing you look good for your age. When did I get “that age”? A few years ago I took a vow to take control of my life, I was getting a bit out of control with my bad habits. I have grown and learned so much since then but now it seems no matter how much effort I put in my situation it is headed no where. God and I have mapped the perfect plan for my life the only problem is I cant reach life’s petal to take off, I come up short in everything. I feel as if I have a real black cloud hanging over my head and the ironic thing is I love the rain. I grew up in church and although I have backslide a time or few I have still been able to grow closer to God. I put Him first in everything I do. From the plan we have set for my life I have really turned a new cheek. I learned to laugh in spite the pain of more bad news, it helps me a lot, especially since I get bad news every other day. Every now and then I break down and wish I was able to get back time and change some of the decisions I made but truth of the matter is I cant and I must face that everyday.
Everything always go wrong with me, a person cant even feel bad for me its like my case is hopeless. I see the light at the end of my journey but I cant seem to reach the never ending road. I’m on the verge of accepting that I will never be truly happy in my life time. But my faith in God is so strong I can’t let go of my prayers, hopes, wishes, and dreams. I’m at my crossroads which way do I go? I use to say the devil is trying to push my limits and crack me but that’s not it this test is also to build my endurance and only God gives you boot camp of life that gives you what you need to win the battle. How long can I survive being held under water before I grow gills or give up the struggle. My mother reminds me all the time I use to brag about having a hugh family when I was younger, now a days it seems any say I have over my life never come true. How can I regain that confidence I had when I was growing up. I blacking in and out because my gills still haven’t grew in and I’m getting weaker day by day. The only thing I want out of life is to be happy but the price I’m paying to achieve that my be a bit out of my budget.
I’m currently at the bottom, I hear all the time “there’s no where to go but up” then with my bad luck I just better pray the bottom don’t fall from under me.
Pray for me and I’ll pray for s all…………..